Today was the first day that Jiwon and my baby Norah are in Korea. Actually they arrived yesterday but I only got a chance to talk to Jiwon briefly today and she told me they got there just fine. When I was single and before I had kids, I thought I knew what loneliness meant. I truly was lonely then but it was a different lonely. It was a loneliness of "Lord, how can you let me go this long without giving me someone in my life to love?" That kind of loneliness is usually taken care of somehow. Sometimes not. That's up to God's will and not ours.
But this is the first time my beautiful wife and my prize baby girl are away from me. Sure they've been away a few days, even almost a week at a time to Sacramento to visit my brother and stuff. But to know that they'll be gone for nearly a month breaks my heart. In fact, my heart breaks everyday. I'm not really a guy who cries a lot. Since I'm the man of the house with my parents, my wife, and my children all under one roof, I have to be the big strong one all the time but it's been very difficult the past week leading up to Jiwon and Norah leaving and with them finally gone now, my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces that I feel like I can almost touch with my fingers. I never ever knew how much I loved my wife until now. I've always taken her for granted these past five years. No, I don't mean taking her for granted the usual way. I mean, I've taken our love for granted. Our love is so much deeper than my minuscule male brain could have ever comprehended until now.
I am hopeless and helpless without her. I feel like the other half of my heart is 10,000 miles away (which is true). It's compounded by the fact that my baby girl is over there too. Norah and I have really bonded this past year. From being a little blog, to being a little blob that could crawl, to a blob that could waddle and walk, to a little mini-person she is now...I have grown to fall deeply and madly in love with her crooked little smile. She is undoubtedly daddy's little girl and she knows it, I know it, and mom refuses to acknowledge it. Being without my little baby feels like going through a day, all day, everyday having that "just been punched hard in the stomach" feeling.
I actually physically hurt for my family right now. It is lessened in part by the fact that I have Christall (Jina) here. She is the love of my life. She's four going on thirty four. She has the intuition already of a woman and the sensibility, modesty, and love of a true lady all in a four year old's little body. I can't tell you how proud I am of her. What really broke my heart tonight was after I tucked her in...I heard her saying one more prayer which at the end of it she said, "Goodnight Umma....Goodnight Norah...in Korea. I love you".
As I write this with tears in my eyes, it's as much in the fact that I feel immensely blessed to have such a wonderful family, a wonderful wife, a wonderful life, as it is the fact that I miss them so. But God is always faithful and always loves us. But I had forgotten what it feels like to feel loneliness and emptiness inside. Having another taste of it after so many years makes it hurt a lot. But I know this is temporary. I don't understand how people go through permanent loss since I have not lost someone immediately close to me (with the exception of my father-in-law). But there will come a day in the Lord's good time, when I will. And I know that while I rejoice for where they have gone to, that I too, will feel that lasting sense of loneliness in my heart again. The only comfort that I have is in knowing that they are definitely in a better place and knowing that I will someday soon, also be with them again worshiping our God the Father and basking in the glory of Jesus Christ, our Risen King.
I don't know how many people will read this. Hopefully not many since I've been blubbering like an idiot. But it's my hope that if there is anybody out there that is feeling any type of loneliness out there, that I know what that feels like. All I have to say is that you need to hang on. "Hold fast, help is on the way". Jesus saves and delivers and His love will always be a beacon in your life. Just hang on to Him for all the hope you need and there will come a day both on this planet and afterwards when we all will not be lonely anymore.
May God bless you and keep you until my next entry. We serve an awesome God who loves us.